What to say instead of ‘you can do anything’

Despite your instincts, telling your child that they can do “anything” can be counterproductive.

“‘You can do anything,’ is positive, but it’s very generalized,” according to Joanna North, a consultant psychotherapist.

“I think that we need to draw it down to specifics for children, and [find] really practical examples for them,” she told CNBC by video call.

“The truth is that actually, we do have limitations. And one of the things we have to do in life is work within our limitations,” she added.

Psychological theory in children over the past 50 years has focused on growing kids’ self-esteem, said Emma Kenny, a psychologist and broadcaster. Telling them “You can do anything” can make parents feel like they are creating opportunities in their kid’s life, rather than limitations, Kenny told CNBC by phone.

Parents might use the phrase because they “genuinely believe that their children are miracles,” she said. And with that comes the mindset of “you can do anything.”

Kenny pointed to the theory of “self-efficacy,” developed by Canadian-American psychologist Albert Bandura between 1977 and 1997, which suggests that people who think they can do something are more likely to take part in an activity — and to keep trying.

“Goal setting and ambitions [for example] … are all key things and themes that parents should be trying to create in their children’s lives … You want to make sure that you as a parent are looking at the intrinsic qualities your child has,” Kenny said.

But telling a child that they can do “anything” is vague, North said. “We can cast our children adrift. If we’re not careful, in some ways, it could be quite a dismissive thing to say,” she said. Saying: “You can do anything,” could be interpreted as: “I actually can’t quite really be bothered to think about what that might be,” she said.

“I certainly could have done with help with thinking about where my focus was, to work it out through a lot of experimentation and errors. But … we can help children focus in on their specific gifts,” North said.

It’s all about balance, according to Kenny. “You want to create a realistic expectation and anticipation of the world without making them feel limited,” she said.

“The reality is, knowing your limits to some degree isn’t about tempering your dreams. It’s about helping you concentrate on the areas and elements that make a difference to your life positively,” she said.

When North works with parents, she suggests stepping back and noticing what their kids like doing. “Are they really good at physical engagement? Or are they really good at engagement with music? … Are they going to be young people who love to help others?” she said. Notice their tendencies and motivations, and “what makes them happy,” she added.

North advises helping children notice what they learn from trying something and failing. “Sometimes, they get caught up in their own safe little world. And to engage in something different, we need to teach them to take a tiny step,” she said.

That might be encouraging them to do something as small as taking a mouthful of a food they haven’t tried before, North said.

If a child has big dreams, help them understand that achieving them is likely to mean failing on the way.

“Supposing you turn out to be somebody who goes into space, or lands on the moon — which is a very exceptional thing to be able to do — it’s for sure that in doing that, you’d have gone through incredible hours of training, and incredible hours … of fear and failure, and that you’d have to learn to tolerate all of those things,” North said.

Telling a child they can do “anything” may ignore the idea that children need boundaries, North said. It’s important to find a balance between letting them play or create freely while having some restrictions.

The boundaries you set might include helping your child realize that instant gratification is not usually possible. “We live in such an instantaneous world, and I think ‘you can do anything’ rather fits in with that,” she said. “We expect immediacy, ‘I want it now.’ And life simply can’t always be like that.”

“We have to learn to tolerate these very basic emotions … and teach our kids to be strong and resilient,” North added.

Education systems that promote academic thinking and use tests to assess progress aren’t suited to all kids, Kenny said. “When they start in the education system, the child is measured as a success or a failure,” she said. “If you’ve got a child who is average or less than average, they’re always going to feel like they’re not as good,” she said.

As a result, some parents are concerned about children feeling like their prospects are limited and may seek to reassure them. But instead of voicing your dissatisfaction with the school system, encourage your child to think about their own attributes, Kenny said.

“It’s better to say, ‘You know what, that might not be where you shine, but you are absolutely incredible at painting. You’re absolutely incredible at helping your dad fix the car’ … it’s about [saying], ‘You can do anything where you’re skilled, you can do anything where you actually have a natural inclination for it,'” she said.

Parents naturally want to shield their kids from the pain of not excelling in all areas, but it’s better to be realistic, Kenny said. “You can help them figure that pain promotes resilience, and resilience creates reward, and rewards create success.”

“Realistic optimism” can help kids, Kenny said.

“You teach children to aim really high, but you also teach them the realistic expectations of the world around them, and also the value of really hard work,” she said.

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