My top non-negotiable parenting rule

Much of Rafael Perales’ daily life revolves around his 11-year-old daughter’s education. Considering that the pre-teen is already a college graduate, that’s very much by design.

In May, his daughter Alisa earned two associate degrees — in mathematics and general science — from Crafton Hills College, a public community college in Yucaipa, California, where she matriculated as an 8-year-old. She’s set to start at the University of California, Riverside this fall, studying for a bachelor’s degree in computer science so she can eventually work in the tech industry, she says.

Rafael, 51, left his full-time career as a trial attorney in San Bernardino, California, when Alisa was just 1 year old so the single dad could prioritize and educating her. His career sacrifice is a reflection of his top non-negotiable parenting rule, he says: “Kids come first. She comes before everything, including myself. I’m pretty far down the list of important things.”

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When Rafael initially chose to leave his career, Alisa was already mastering her ABCs and counting into the hundreds, he says. His other child, a now-32-year-old son, was already out of the house and working as a plumber’s apprentice. When he thought about the potential benefits of Alisa receiving one-on-one attention and tutelage from her dad, the choice “became pretty easy,” he says.

Without his law income, the family struggled financially at times. They stayed “afloat” with the rent from a commercial property Rafael owned in Yermo, California, which he’d previously bought with a “modest inheritance” from his own parents, he says.

Even in moments when he worried about paying the bills, he remained certain that fully focusing on Alisa’s education was “the right thing to do,” he says. “I always had confidence that I would find a way to make it, no matter what.”

By age 2, Alisa could read on her own, says Rafael. He home-schooled her until she was 8 — when she completed the coursework required by California to earn her high school diploma — choosing from different curricula and online teaching guides based on her interests and skill level.

As Alisa’s home-school teacher, Rafael worked to establish a regular routine for her, he says — which experts generally endorse as a way to help kids feel more secure while learning and playing. They typically stuck to a schedule of instruction and schoolwork from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., five days per week, he says.

Rafael’s double role as dad and teacher helped keep Alisa focused, rather than “[goofing] around too much” — but he was also conscious of the need to avoid overworking her, he says. Alisa frequently rode her scooter to friends’ homes in their neighborhood for after-school playdates, and on most Wednesdays, Rafael took her to Disneyland in nearby Anaheim to give her “a release valve” to look forward to each week, he says.

He also incorporated Alisa’s learning into vacations, visiting places like the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore to learn about subjects like history and geography, he says. “We weren’t really too different [from a public school] in the amount of studying we were doing. But we were definitely, I think, being more productive,” says Rafael.

Now, Alisa’s future plans look like those of many a recent community college graduate. She’s looking forward to “meeting new people and making new friends” at UC Riverside, traveling around the world and eventually working in the tech industry, possibly running her own startup, she says.

Since she’s still just 11, Rafael intends to accompany her for most of those plans — chaperoning her travel, and if Alisa launches a startup, he’ll likely be her co-founder, she says. She’ll live at home and commute to UC Riverside, and Rafael will wait on campus during her classes, which means he’s unlikely to return to a full-time day job anytime soon, he adds.

“When people ask: ‘Are you going back to work?’ [I say], ‘Yeah, I might slow down and relax and do something like a 9-to-5 again someday.’ But, not now,” says Rafael.

Many parenting experts do caution parents not to completely disregard their own well-being, even when prioritizing their child’s health and development. Those who do risk burnout and a host of other mental health problems, according to the American Psychological Association.

But children in any educational setting can benefit from parents taking an active role in their learning and development, research shows. Kids in regular school environments whose parents who are invested and involved in their education typically show better overall academic performance, according to a 2011 study by researchers from Brown University and the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

Parents who consistently set aside time for hands-on learning activities at home can help their kids achieve higher test scores, and increased motivation and engagement at school, other studies show.

The quality of the time you spend with your kids — whether on educational pursuits or leisure activities — typically matters more than the quantity of time, child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It in March 2023. Quality time is a major factor in raising kids who are happy, confident and motivated to succeed, she said.

“It almost always could be said that less is more for children. They just want to be with you,” said Klein, the director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development. “It’s always about the quality of the relationship [and] the quality of the interactions.”

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