Stop saying ‘don’t cry’—to raise confident kids, use 5 phrases instead

It’s natural to want to comfort a child when they’re crying. When parents see their kid hurting physically or emotionally, they often want to do anything in their power to stop their heartache. 

As a dual certified child life specialist and therapist, I’ve heard parents and even health care workers telling kids “don’t cry” while wiping away their tears during medical procedures and other difficult moments. 

It comes from a place of wanting to fix the hurt and make it all better. But it can make kids feel like their emotions and tears aren’t okay, especially when they’re in pain or distress. 

Instead, try to validate kids’ feelings and help them feel safe and supported expressing their emotions and tears. Use these five alternatives:

This helps kids know and believe that their experience is real and it’s natural.

Staying with kids through their stress conveys the message that their feelings don’t scare you, that you can handle the difficult moments with them, and that they can rely on you for real-time support, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. 

You may not always know exactly why a child is crying or understand their reaction to the situation. Validation doesn’t necessarily mean agreement; it means, “I see you and I believe you.” 

One way to validate their experience is to simply reflect back what you’re seeing. Naming their emotion can be helpful for some kids, but for others it can be upsetting if your label doesn’t match what they’re truly feeling. Try naming their behaviors or using a more encompassing term such as “upset.”

If kids hear, “don’t cry,” they might interpret that their response doesn’t match the situation, when in fact, it often does.

We want kids to trust their feelings and to know that their tears make sense for what they’re experiencing, whether it’s pain, fear, or isolation. Sometimes the behaviors will be out of proportion with the situation, but the underlying feelings are never wrong. 

Parents often want their kids to feel happy, but it’s natural to feel a range of emotions including difficult or uncomfortable ones. The goal is not to stop the emotion but to help kids acknowledge and manage it.

Helping kids understand that crying is not bad — and that it’s perfectly natural to feel sad, angry, lonely, or frustrated sometimes — reduces a sense of shame from any negative experiences. 

Lastly, it’s important for kids to understand that crying is a very healthy way to release emotions. Crying is coping and so is coloring, playing, talking, running, listening to music, and breathing. You can help kids try different strategies and find the ones that work best for them. 

Use tears as a chance to meet kids where they’re at and help them work through challenges with confidence and connection. 

Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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