Many of us already know the components of a healthy relationship — things like strong communication, total honesty, and unwavering commitment. But most people don’t actually know what these qualities look like in practice.
As a result, couples may find themselves in a miserable situation. Even worse, they don’t recognize it due to unhealthy habits like emotional numbing, suppression, or normalizing issues. When you’re stuck in familiarity and routine, it’s hard to stop and assess your feelings.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I often recommend a quick survey to couples. If you find yourself answering “no” to all the questions, there’s a chance you may be unhappy in your relationship, but not realize it.
1. Do you feel like you’re on the same team during conflict?
In relationships, conflict is both inevitable and necessary. But the way you fight matters more than what you’re fighting about. If it always feels like it’s you versus your partner, instead of the two of you versus the problem, it’s worth assessing why.
Research on conflict resolution shows that when both partners believe a disagreement is solvable, they’re more likely to find a way forward. But you can’t rely solely on optimism; you need a shared and clear-cut strategy. Otherwise, arguments can turn into emotional duels and over time lead to distance and resentment.
If your answer to this question is “no,” ask yourself: “What are we fighting for?” If the answer isn’t the relationship itself, sit down together to discuss and reestablish what it really means to be a team.
2. Can you be your most authentic self around your partner?
The healthiest relationships give you room to breathe. To laugh loudly, ugly cry, make a mess, and be weird. Research notes that people who feel secure in expressing themselves in authentic, unrefined ways are more likely to engage in healthier relationship behaviors.
If you have to constantly remind yourself to suppress parts of your personality, you’ll slowly start to lose invaluable parts of your identity.
If you answered “no” here, you need to pause and reflect. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t flinch when they’re met with your most real, honest self. Great partners see this as a special privilege. It shouldn’t feel like something that has to be “tolerated.”
3. Are they genuinely curious about your inner world?
In the early wooing stages, curiosity comes naturally. You want to know everything about each other — what they’re thinking, how they see the world, what makes them tick. But later on, that curiosity can dwindle.
Research asserts that curiosity is a fundamental tool for emotional intimacy. If your partner stops asking questions about your thoughts, feelings, or experiences, they’ll never get to know the new versions of you that are born each and every day.
A “no” to this question could suggest that your relationship is running on autopilot. A partner who’s truly invested in you will keep asking, keep listening, and keep learning about who you are.
4. Do they take accountability when they mess up?
Mistakes don’t matter nearly as much as how they’re handled in the aftermath. Does your partner own up to their faults and try to make things right? Or do they dodge responsibility, get defensive, and turn the blame onto you?
Research on conflict repair teaches us that even the smallest gestures — acknowledging a mistake, offering a sincere apology, or even using humor — can stop an argument from spiraling. But when accountability is absent, you’ll eventually start questioning whether you can trust each other at all.
If your partner never takes ownership, or if they consistently make you feel like the “difficult” one for bringing up a concern, it might be time to regroup and reconsider what’s keeping you invested. Honesty, humility, and a genuine desire to do better should be a bilateral norm in a relationship.
Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.
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