Therapist who worked with 100 couples—5 annoying habits that ‘destroy’ relationships

Even the strongest and happiest relationships can falter when seemingly small, frustrating habits are left unaddressed. They slowly pile up until, suddenly, their weight seems unbearable.

When relationships end this way, exes often ruminate over the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” As a psychotherapist who has worked with over 100 couples, I’ve seen firsthand how some unchecked behaviors can drive a wedge between partners.

Here are the five most common and annoying habits that I’ve seen destroy relationships:

Instead of expressing their needs clearly, many people expect their partners to know exactly what they need, when they need it. But this is an easy way to set yourself up for disappointment.

Psychologists refer to it as the “illusion of transparency,” a cognitive bias where people assume that their emotions and desires are obvious to others, when they really aren’t.

And according to research, overestimating how much your partner knows about your internal thoughts can be harmful and lead to resentment, since communication is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.

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In successful relationships, both partners create a safe place where they can each express their needs and wants without fear or shame. So instead of expecting your partner to pick up on cues, just spell it out for them: “It’d mean a lot to me if you helped with the dishes tonight.”

Healthy relationships can quickly turn sour when couples start tallying up each other’s good deeds and missteps. Once one or both partners “keep score,” the relationship eventually turns into a competition — and, sadly, one person usually comes up short.

Research shows that keeping track of who did what in a relationship — whether it’s chores, favors or sacrifices — almost always results in indebtedness. This, in turn, can also diminish gratitude. 

This tit-for-tat mentality often gives rise to a transactional relational dynamic; kindness becomes a means to an end, and it loses all authenticity. In reality, however, giving without expecting anything in return is the best way to build a reciprocal, loving partnership.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a surefire way to express dissatisfaction with a partner without actually solving the problem. Imagine your partner being upset with you and choosing to let you know by withholding affection or making subtle jabs.

While it isn’t necessarily overt, research shows that passive-aggressive behavior often signals dissatisfaction and resentment, which is something that shouldn’t be ignored in a romantic relationship.

Not only is it hurtful and confusing, it also leaves partners with no way to move forward. Without a direct, open conversation about the problem at hand, there’s no chance for it to be addressed in a constructive way. 

Constantly being told how to handle your job, hobbies or even your friendships will leave you feeling controlled and condescended. No one likes unsolicited advice, nor does anyone want to feel like they’re being managed, especially in their own relationship.

Relationship satisfaction plummets once a partnership starts feeling like a parent-child dynamic, which happens quickly once helpfulness morphs into perpetual backseat driving. The line between constructive feedback and hostile criticism can be easy to overstep — and according to research, the latter can lead to lowered relationship satisfaction. 

The most important role you play as a partner is to know when to offer your input and, more importantly, when it’s your job to simply support them.

One of the most negligent things a partner can do is to listen purely for the sake of preparing their next response, rather than actively listening.

And if you aren’t learning, exploring or absorbing yourself in what your partner is truly saying, research suggests you’ll likely only come across as arrogant, not helpful. The happiest couples listen to each other with the goal of understanding, not just to give their two cents on the matter.

If any of these habits hit a little too close to home, don’t panic. You’re not doomed, and your relationship isn’t broken beyond repair.

Relationships take work, and that work often starts with catching yourself in the act, taking a breath and choosing a different way forward. So if you find yourself slipping into any of these patterns, or perhaps even getting annoyed by your partner exhibiting them: Talk about it, own it and try again.

Most of the time, it’s not the habit itself that breaks a relationship, but rather the refusal to change it.

Jourdan Travers, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and clinical director at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. She also helps curate the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org. Jourdan received her MSW from The University of Maryland and her B.A. in psychology from California State University Northridge.

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