The longer you wait to give your child a smartphone or allow them to join social media, the happier and more successful they’re likely to be as adults, says psychologist Jean Twenge.
To help parents facilitate that technological delay, Twenge recommends starting to teach kids how to use those technologies in safe and healthy ways at least six years in advance. Starting early helps prepare children to have healthier relationships with online technologies, aiding their development into well-adjusted, successful adults, she says.
“Ideally, it’s great to have these rules in mind by the time your kids are in late elementary school, say, to be prepared. Because kids are getting these devices younger and younger,” says Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University whose latest book, “10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World,” published on September 2.
In her book, Twenge recommended against social media for kids until age 16, and wrote that children shouldn’t have a smartphone unless they also have a driver’s license and are expected to “get around independently.” Her rationale: Those technologies are contributing to higher rates of mental health issues in teens, such as anxiety and depression, she wrote.
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Those statements made headlines, particularly because many U.S. parents give their kids smartphones and social media access much earlier. In one recent Pew Research Center survey, more than half of U.S. parents said their kids between the ages of 11 and 12 already had their own smartphones.
If you talk with your children about how to use internet technology responsibly before they turn 10, or younger if they already regularly use internet-connected devices like laptops, you can help them understand and internalize the potential downsides of excessive smartphone and social media usage, she says.
You might, for example, discuss the types of personal information you shouldn’t share with anyone online, from nude pictures to personal information like a home address or Social Security Number. You could talk about the value of privacy — reminding your kids to never assume a text or Snapchat message will remain private, and to not post any information or opinions online that they wouldn’t be comfortable having announced over the loudspeaker at their school.
Twenge also advises teaching children that “your time is a precious resource,” and that they might ultimately regret spending much of their youth absorbed in a device instead of engaging with friends and family in person, she says.
The idea is to hopefully set them up to have a healthier relationship with those technologies as they age, says Twenge. But these conversations alone won’t guarantee success, she says — because you need to do something else, too.
Initiate healthy dialogue, ‘then put the parental controls in place’
Twenge’s other top piece of advice: Set firm rules around how your kids can use devices and the internet, once you’re comfortable with them doing so.
One of the rules in Twenge’s book bans smartphones during the school day and overnight in kids’ bedrooms. Another of her rules states that that if parents want to give their child a device, their first phone should be a “basic” one — a phone that isn’t connected to the internet, but does allow them to make calls and send texts to their friends and family.
You could also use parental controls to guide kids’ initial smartphone experiences, like setting daily time limits for usage to ensure kids aren’t getting sucked into social media for hours at a time, or blocking adult-themed websites and apps.
“Teach them that moderation is key — and then put the parental controls in place to make sure you’re not wasting your breath,” Twenge wrote.
Whatever you do, communicate your rules directly to your children, she says.
“We’re going to have that conversation [and] be very clear about what controls we’re putting on that phone,” says Twenge. “Even when she gets that smartphone, [for] one example, we’re going to block app downloads, so then if she wants to put additional apps on it, it’s a discussion, rather than her just doing it unilaterally, where we don’t even know what she has on it.”
If your kids already have smartphones or social media, and you’re starting to regret that decision, don’t feel like it’s ever too late to reverse those choices, Twenge notes. Just be honest and transparent about why they’re making that decision, she says: “Look, I made a mistake. I’ve learned more and we’re going to do it differently going forward…”
Even if your teen’s initial reaction is extreme — “You might get some slammed doors,” she notes — stay firm and try and put everything in perspective, she suggests. “Tell them, ‘Hey, you’re still going to be able to text your friends. You’re still going to be able to call me. And it’s this or no fun at all.’ That helps put it in context.”
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